More Precious Than Gold

I’ve always struggled with low self- esteem ever since the start of my teenage years. It wasn’t just based on physical appearance, (I am one to admit that I was one ugly duckling till the end of high school),  but it was mainly internal. I’ve always felt like I was just never enough mainly because I never felt recognized. I think growing up, I always felt that I was the problem child compared to my brother ( love him dearly).  I was the one to bring home bad grades, bad attitude, I just wasn’t it. Yes, my parents would always assure me that they loved me, but for some reason, I just couldn’t accept their love . I think my lack of self acceptance caused me to drift away from the love of others.  Overtime, I developed friendships, got into relationships that didn’t benefit me and which caused me more harm instead of good. People would always see me with a smile on my face, when in reality, I felt pretty broken inside. My brokenness definitely took a toll on me physically, mentally, and spiritually. Physically, it took a toll on my health which manifested itself in the form of   poor eating habits and not taking meds. Mentally , I would feel so anxious. I was afraid to talk to people because I was unsure of how my words would come out ( I’ve been told I am unfiltered lol), and also had the fear of judgement . Spiritually, I felt so disconnected from God, which placed a fear so deep within me that I wasn’t sure where I was headed.

There was a turning point to which I realized I needed to love myself in order to put myself in a position to do better and be better. I started to embark on a self care journey by just taking time for myself, doing the things I loved to do, and  finding things that made me content. Seeking therapy played a major role because it helped unravel the many layers my true self was hiding under. I also took the time to re-establish my faith. I reminded myself that God had been my constant and that I was made in His image. Thinking of myself as “less than” was not glorifying to Him.  I started to remember that God had a plan and purpose made for me and I shouldn’t be comparing my life to others because their life is not my own. Lastly, just surrounding myself with people that were positive really uplifted my spirits and helped me realize that I deserve to receive the love that is being shown to me.

    So now if you ask me now “Sabrina do you love yourself?” I would say I’m in a better place than I was before , however I’m still a work in progress. I do have my moments where I fall short, but that’s ok. It’s a constant learning process and like always, you will come across road blocks. For me, those roadblocks can be in the form of negative thoughts where I tend to let my insecurities seep out, but I’ve learned not to dwell on them for so long because it will put me in a bad headspace. At the end of the day, we are our worst enemy, but it’s up to us to be kind to ourselves to reach that goal of being comfortable with ourselves. If you are embarking on a new journey of self -love embrace the good and the bad, don’t forget that you’re still human and you won’t get it right at first. It’s a process so be kind to yourself.