Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This

So I felt compelled to talk about my actual struggles with depression. Honestly, it has been a rough couple of weeks for me. It’s gotten to a point I hated waking up in the morning and having to go to work, been debating whether or not to call out almost every day. Along with anxiety, I’ve been dealing with depression for a couple of years now. I realized that I was depressed when the things that brought me joy no longer did, restless, and being sad . As of late, my blog has become my baby and here I was not willing or unable to be productive with it. I’ve felt like my body and my mind just couldn’t do it anymore, I was just over it. Some peoples’ depression stems from some different issues they may be going through. However, mine just happens to stem from my personal views of myself along with other things.  So with that, I started to internalize it, rather than speak on it. At one point there was a period that I’ve lied to my parents about going to school one semester and all I did was stay home which didn’t help in any way.

Depression is very real and the fact that it has the ability to kill is whats scary. Unfortunately, it had gotten to a point where I started having suicidal thoughts. Life wasn’t worth living to me anymore. I would write these awful things about myself in my journal. Entries like, “You’re a waste of life” filled my journal for some time. There was a point in time where I would pray to God every night to just take me from my sleep because I felt that my life was falling apart and didn’t understand my purpose.  I was afraid to seek help at the time because I was afraid I wouldn’t be heard, that it was all in my head, or that people were going through much worse. As time passed I realized that holding it in wasn’t effective so I decided to speak and even write about it instead. A couple of years back, at one of the youth retreats I attended, I remember the speaker saying that if you are still here that means God is not done with you yet and you have a purpose. The crazy thing about it was that I heard this sermon before I was going through all of this, and somehow it came back to me when I needed to hear it the most. Just reflecting on the message helped me push through.  

  To be honest, I still battle with depression to this day, some days better than others I’m always asking God what’s my purpose because I still don’t know. Truthfully, it’s scary not knowing the unknown but I guess that’s the beauty of dealing with this thing called life. Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way you expected it to be , but God is always there when you need him the most. (Look at me I’m still in the game)  I’ve also realized that instead of God of giving me what I wanted which was out, he gave me what I need which was strength. Strength to push myself to go to work when I don’t want to, and just being able to live my life. Yes, there will be days where you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders but trust me there are better days ahead.