Where Do I Begin?

Having to live with anxiety and depression has been a constant battle, but overtime, it is has become more manageable.

I didn’t know what anxiety or depression was until  made the transition from high school to college. From elementary school to high school, I would say I was pretty “average”– having no major life struggles or issues.  It wasn’t until the end of my senior year that I started to feel a shift in my life. Was I ready for the real world ? Am I going to live?. I was taking AP Chem and almost instantly, I noticed I wasn’t “myself.” I began doubting myself  and questioning my place in the classroom. I felt as though I didn’t belong. A voice in my head constantly reminded me I was “less than” my peers. “Sabrina, you’re dumb, you’re gonna fail this test,” “you dont belong in this class,” were some of the continuous scripts that ran through my mind. At the time, I  thought it was a phase, so I ignored the chip on my shoulder as best I could and pressed on. Once I started college, I quickly realized that nothing changed. The doubts and negative self talk persisted and progressively got worse. I then realized that I could no longer stay in college and made the decision to go back home. I felt very overwhelmed with the pressure of succeeding in college, felt that everyone was watching my every move, and I also thought that this school wasn’t a right fit for me anyways..  Before I made a final decision to withdraw, I even met with one of the counselors on campus hoping that I would change my mind. Side Note: Here’s the thing with dealing counselors I felt as though she was just doing her job and didn’t really care if i stayed or go. Instead, I felt much worse due to the fact that anxiety was now part of my life and that there is no way of getting rid of it. When packing up, I felt like I let my family down, my friends, and most importantly myself. What’s crazy is that I made the decision to move back home with little to no back-up plan.  I literally hit a dead end.

 So, I’m back home in my safe space. All I can ask myself is: “What now Sabrina?” “What’s the game plan?” The only plan I had literally crumbled and now I feel like I have to start all over. At this point I felt that God couldn’t save me  because I felt that I brought anxiety upon myself and should’ve stuck it out. KARMA!!! ( Ever feel like you’ve done some bad things in your past and feel like now you paying for it?)

I initially thought being home would result in me hanging out with my friends and being surrounded with good vibes, but in reality, all I felt was shame and embarrassment. Just a few weeks ago they were sending me off to chase my dreams and here I am back home unable to survive what I thought would be the best four years of my life. This all time low would lay the foundation of what would soon become my journey with depression and anxiety.