I learned what anxiety truly was when I decided to meet with my pediatrician ( Shout-out to Dr. Dellolis, holding me down since ‘92). Before then, I just thought anxiety was one of those things that comes and goes if we’re being honest here, what did an 18 year old like me have to worry about? It’s not like I had car insurance to pay. During my appointment, I realized that mental health was not something to play with and if left unchecked, can really do some damage. Shit will literally make one sick , it sure made me feel that way. I always have an upset stomach, I could never concentrate, I was shaky and always had constant headaches. My doctor ended up diagnosing me with generalized anxiety disorder which is basically anxiety that interferes with my daily activities such as: going to school, work and even church. In addition, I was always in a constant state of worry. I always knew I was a little crazy,but this was the icing on the cake. I didn’t know how to feel about finally having a name for all of my symptoms. On one hand, I was glad to be diagnosed. On the other, I started to feel as though I was actually crazy. I found myself in a spiral of thoughts worrying about things I couldn’t control, while also telling myself that I had no control. These back and forth thoughts would lead to me worrying more. It felt like I had no control over my mind. I felt as though I my brain was a bottomless pit of worry and fear. Honestly, I still feel that way sometimes even now.
Who to tell? I decided to eventually tell my parents what was up a few weeks after my doctor’s appointment. I obviously had to tell them at some point because 1) they were paying for my school and 2) I was still living under their roof. It was hard for me to tell them at first because coming from a Haitian background, mental health was never really discussed.,Also, people sometimes automatically judge that you’re crazy without even trying to understand your mental health. I think that one of the contributing factors that leads to Hatians misunderstanding or dismissing mental health could be the fact that individuals who have grown up in a resource poor country like Haiti have experienced extreme poverty and lack. Therefore, worrying about mental health seems like a luxury when a more pressing issue like putting food on the table is present. This was the case for my parents. They feel as though they have been through the trenches and nothing can compare to their lived experiences– not even mental health.
So, I decided to tell my dad first because he’s usually more understanding than my mom. He’s been dealing with my BS with class and an occasional whopping to my backside. (Bars?! Yes/No Ok?) I explained to him what anxiety was and how it was pretty much the reason why I couldn’t remain in school. Once I told him everything, he was pretty good with it, but then he started to lecture me on how I can’t just be sitting in my room all day. According to my dad, I needed to find a job while also attempt to google information on how I could potentially“fix it” . Yea “fix it” as if anxiety is something you can just fix overnight and be good as new in the morning. Nah, it’s more so something you have to manage kind of like maintaining a healthy diet ( Diet? I love me some food sis).
Combatting anxiety requires exercise. Not just physical, but also mental like focusing on your breathing or maintaining positive thoughts. Also, seeking the help of a therapist can work wonders. Overtime, I started to put my dads words into action not only to help myself, but also to show him that I was actually trying. Yea, there were times I hit rock bottom and wanted to give up but I didn’t. I kept pushing through. Fast forward to now, I would say that I have a stronger relationship with my parents because I feel like I can be more transparent and share my struggles with them. Don’t get me wrong they will still set my ass straight from time to time even though I’m a grown ass woman.
Beautifully Complicated 